Author Archive | Jackie

Sod’s laws

THE COFFEE LAW – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
MURPHY’S LAW OF LOCKERS – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
LAW OF GRAVITY – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES – The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
DOCTORS’ LAW – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW OF PROBABILITY – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
LAW OF THE ALIBI – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
VARIATION LAW – If you change lanes, the one you were in before will always move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF THE BATH – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
LAW OF THE THEATRE AND FOOTBALL STADIUM – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.

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Bright sparks

BRAINS OF BRITAIN UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’? Contestant: Homosexuals. Jeremy Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point. Jamie Theakston: There’s a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don’t know. Stewart White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. Stewart White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…? Contestant: Strong. Stewart White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name? Contestant: Louis. Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what – Prison or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi’s first name? Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER) Phil: What’s 11 squared? Contestant: I don’t know. Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. … .. Richard: He makes bread . . . Contestant: Er .. ….. Richard: He makes cakes . . . Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world’s largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM (PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC) James O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … ER. ER … Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er …….. Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Phil Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er… … Phil Wood: It’s got two syllables … Kor… Contestant: Blimey? Phil Wood: Ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run… Contestant: (Silence) Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I ran, yesterday I… Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That’s close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus

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Schoolchildren Howlers

It was about dusky when I aroused from my slumble
Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun but I have never been able to make out the numbers
Romeo and Juliet tell each other how much they are in love in the baloney scene
Trigonometry is when a lady marries three men at the same time
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it
Parsimony is money left by your father
A barrister is a thing put up in the street to keep the crowds back
The future of ‘I give’ is ‘you take’
A millennium is something like a centennial only it has more legs
If David has one fault it was a slight tendency to adultery
Who was sorry when the Prodigal Son returned? The fatted calf
In Midevil times most of the people were alliterate
Henry the Eighth had an abbess on his knee, which made walking difficult
What was the Age of Pericles? I’m not sure, but I reckon he was about 40
A skeleton is a man with his inside out and his outside off
Algebraical symbols are those used when you don’t know what you are talking about
Name the four season: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
I’m not sure how clouds get formed, but the clouds know how to do it and that’s the important thing
Mandolins are high officials in China

Source: ‘Could Do Better’ by Norman McGreevy

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Fun with foreign

Coup de grace: a lawnmower
Joie de vivre: whisky
Hors de combat: War horse
Sotto voice: In a drunken voice
Etc. A sign used to make you believe you know more than you do

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Contorted English

The man in the bow tie drew his bow and shot an arrow into the bough of the tree, he then turned and bowed to his audience, whilst the musician drew the bow across the strings of his violin.

Source: Lesley Morrissey, Inside News

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Plain English Campaign ‘foot in mouth’ award 2011

Jamie Redknapp (sports commentator) for misuse of the word ‘literally’ and his catalogue of gaffes.

“These balls now – they literally explode off your feet.”

“Alonso and Sissoko have been picked to literally sit in front of the back four.”

“He’s literally left Ben Haim for dead there.”

“Peter Schmeichel will be like a father figure to Kasper Schmeichel.”

“Xabi Alonso was sensational spreading the ball to Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard that day.”

“Steven Gerrard makes runs into the box better than anyone. So does Frank Lampard.”

“If you’re going to get in behind Rio Ferdinand you’ve got to show him what you’ve got and then go in hard.”

“I’ll be honest, I know nothing about him.” (referring to AC Milan’s Alexandre Pato)

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