Author Archive | Jackie

From ‘Through The Looking Glass’ by Lewis Carroll

“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.”
“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you CAN make words mean so many different things.”
“The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master – that’s all.”
Alice was too much puzzled to say anything; so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. ‘They’ve a temper, some of them – particularly verbs: they’re the proudest – adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs – however, I can manage the whole lot of them! Impenetrability! That’s what I say!’
‘Would you tell me, please,’ said Alice, ‘what that means?’
‘Now you talk like a reasonable child,’ said Humpty Dumpty, looking very much pleased. ‘I meant by “impenetrability” that we’ve had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you’d mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don’t mean to stop here all the rest of your life.’
‘That’s a great deal to make one word mean,’ Alice said in a thoughtful tone.
‘When I make a word do a lot of work like that,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘I always pay it extra.’

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My favourite mitsakes

US magazine ‘Easy Sky Diving’

Please make the following correction. On page 8 line 7, ‘state zip code’ should read ‘pull rip cord’.

Sunday Express

On page 35 of this week’s section 3 we feature a recipe for lemon tart. Readers should note that, while the method is correct, the ingredients should include three lemons.

Campaigning website 


I am the elected Chair Person who speaks on behalf of the 42 families in Scotland who, for the last 5 years, have been seeking compensation from [name deleted] for gross mis-spelling.

Daily Mail


Britain’s biggest-selling hillwalking magazine apologised yesterday after publishing a route that would have led climbers off the edge of a cliff.
The February edition of Trail gave advice to walkers caught in foul weather and poor visibility on how to get off 4,406ft Ben Nevis – Britain’s tallest peak – safely. If readers had followed the directions they would have plunged from the Scottish mountain’s north face, which has claimed a number of lives.
Editor Guy Proctor said he was ‘gutted’ by the error but thought readers would pick it up. He said the article was written by a very experienced hillwalker from Loch Lomond and the mistake had occurred during the production process. ‘Somewhere in the journey to press, our route on Ben Nevis has lost the first of two bearings needed to get off the summit safely,’ he said.
The Mountaineering Council for Scotland has issued an alert on its website warning hillwalkers to be aware of the mistake.

Daily Mail 


A scientist whose trillion-dollar swindle was exposed by a spelling mistake was jailed for six years yesterday. [Name deleted] authenticated $2.5 trillion (£1.5 trillion) worth of US Treasury bonds he knew to be fake.
The scam unravelled when two men tried to cash $25 million (£15 million) worth of the bonds at a Canadian bank. After spotting they were marked ‘dollar’ rather than ‘dollars’, experts discovered [the bonds] had been run off on a inkjet printer not invented when they were supposedly issued in 1934.

Daily Mail 

This school advert for two classroom assistants is littered with so many mistakes that at times it is hard to understand. There are 17 obvious errors – without counting missing full stops and rogue capital letters – including calling for ‘sutiably’ qualified candidates with a GCSE in ‘Eglish’ to make a ‘differnce’ in children’s lives. To make matters worse, it was checked by a staff member at [name deleted] primary school before publication.

Bromley News Shopper
A spelling gaffe which caused embarrassment and amusement at Premiership newcomers Crystal Palace passed at least one man by – the club’s manager. Iain Dowie was unaware of the mistake as he posed for cameras at the Eagles’ Beckenham training ground, even though he was wearing one of the replica shirts showing his team’s names as Chrystal Palace. When New Shopper pointed out the error at the press call last Thursday, Palace boss Dowie said ‘What are you journalists like? Talk about attention to detail. I think you want to get out a bit more.’

San Francisco Chronicle 

A colourful mosaic gracing the entrance of Livermore’s new library is of a genre known as naïve art because of its whimsical design and childlike nature. Maybe that explains why 11 of the 175 names and words on the piece are mis-spelled – from ‘Eisten’ and ‘Shakespere’ to ‘Van Gough’ and ‘Michaelangelo’. The $40,000 project will now cost the city a few thousand more because it must pay the artist to fly from her Miami home and correct the mistakes.

Door drop leaflet
‘PROFFESSIONAL IRONING SERVICES’

Cat charity
‘OUR FURY FRIENDS’

Hairdresser
‘QUALITY AND EXCELLANCE’

Catalogue
‘A SUPERB DIGITAL C*CK’

Adult education leaflet
‘CERTIFICSATE OF PROFICIENCY IN ENGLISH’

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Errors in exams and essays

“An epitaph is a short, sarcastic poem.”

“Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn’t reach the right side of the page.”

“Letters in sloping type are in hysterics.”

“An abstract noun is one that cannot be heard, seen, touched or smelled.”

“A consonant is a large piece of land surrounded by water.”

“The adder is a poisonous snack.”

“Pine is an example of a carnivorous tree.”

“If teeth are not cleaned, plague is the result.”

“In the Middle Ages, people lived in mud huts with rough mating on the floor.”

“The seventh commandment is ‘Thou shalt not admit adultery.’”

Source: ‘Must Try Harder! The Very Worst Howlers by Schoolchildren’, by Norman McGreevy

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Haiku for PC users

Windows alerts inspired by Haiku, a traditional Japanese form of poetry.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

More here

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Cockney Alphabet

A for ‘Orses (‘ay for ‘orses)

B for Mutton (Beef or Mutton)

C for Miles (See for Miles)

D for Ential (Differential)

E for Brick (‘eave a Brick)

F for Vescence (Effervescence)

G for Get It (Gee, forget it!)

H for Bless You (Aitsshfa! A Sneeze)

I for The Engine (Ivor the Engine)

J for Oranges (Jaffa Oranges)

K for Restaurant (Cafe or Restaurant)

L for Leather (‘ell for Leather)

M for Sis’ (Emphasis)

N for Lope (Envelope)

O for The Wings Of A Dove (O! for the Wings of a Dove!)

P for Relief (?!?!)

Q for A Bus (Queue for a Bus)

R for Mo'(‘alf a Mo’)

S for Rantzen (Esther Rantzen)

T for Two (Tea for Two

U for Me (You for Me)

V for La France (Vive la France)

W for The Winnings (Double you for the Winnings)

X for Breakfast (Eggs for Breakfast)

Y for Husband (Wife or Husband)

Z for Wind (Zephyr Wind)

Source: ‘The Second Book of Jigsaw Puzzles’, published by Knight Books.

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Very punny

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

(Source unknown)

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Humpty Dumpty in French

(Read it aloud)

Un petit d’un petit
S’étonne aux Halles
Un petit d’un petit
Ah! degrés te fallent
Indolent qui ne sort cesse
Indolent qui ne se mène
Qu’importe un petit d’un petit
Tout Gai de Reguennes

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