More paraprosdokians

PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected. (Apparently, Winston Churchill loved them.)

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

10. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

11. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

12. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

18. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

19. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

20. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

21. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

22. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian…any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

25. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

2 Responses to More paraprosdokians

  1. bawildflower April 20, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

    Love it!

  2. James Coakes April 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

    They’re very good but it’s really hard to actually use one without coming across badly unless you’re very careful. Tim Vine’s one-liners probably fall into the paraprosdokian category (is there a harder word to type thatn that?) One of my favourites is ‘Velcro, what a rip off’. It manages not to feel too ‘smart arsey’ but that could be the delivery and it might change if I hear it too often.

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